'Simply by injecting the fish with this deadly virus we found at the back of the lab larder (or 'labrador', as we also call him), then smoking them, we found that this delicious traditional Scottish fare retained enough consciousness to be able to swim.
(An undead fish, yesterday)
‘Hacking into government databases for customer info meant we could simply write someone's address on the side of the fish with our Crackerjack pencils, pop the Zombie Smokie back into the foaming wave, and hey Tesco! It would turn up at the required location, ready to eat or be eaten!' said crazed Broughty Ferry boffin, Professor Stewart Granolithic.
'We have at present no concerns that the Zombie Smokies will form into shuffling undead shoals, bite all the other fish in the sea (of which, sad sacks, we can assure you there are plenty), causing an apocalyptic sea-to-land invasion thing like in that episode of Dr Who.
‘But we are scientists, so we're always prepared to consider new evidence as it develops mutant legs, strides out of the North Sea, and simply fastens its slavering jaws upon our fragile egg-like skulls.'
